So, as the title says, that's at least how I feel. Realistically, I know this not to be 100% accurate. I only fail at some things, and am only dirt in certain situations.
Lately, things have been a bit crazy. Well, at least since the 31st, at least. Goth Christmas, Halloween, whatever you want to call it, that's when badness began. It SHOULD have been a magnificent day, and it was at the end. But the beginning.... not s'much.
For school, I have to do this thing called placement. It's essentially gaining experience in my field in a real life setting.
I don't want to do placement.
I have a good few reasons. I mean, this one is with children, and I hate children. And it's far, and well... I suppose the biggest reason would be that I have a lovely little thing called "performance anxiety". Which essentially means that if I have any amount of responsibility to anyone but myself, I freak out.
And begin to have feelings of inadequacy, intense fear, self-loathing, and overall just a sense of being generally hated for any small mistake I make.
I end up apologizing a lot more than I should, having panic attacks, sleepless nights, and racing thoughts.
My anxiety over this particular placement has been higher than basically ever before. And I technically haven't even started yet because I'm a fuck up.
Because I've been so up in arms and anxious for the past few days, yesterday, my body just... gave up. And then I fell into depression.
Of course, depression/exhaustion made me avoidant of important tasks, thus making me more anxious, and bringing about a terrible circle of doom.
So there's a little tidbit of what's been goin' on. I know I've been hella lazy lately with the updates, and for that, Internet, I apologize.
HOWEVER. I now keep a "vlog" as it were, highlighting my escapades through video. OooooOOOOooooh fancy AND original.
http://www.youtube.com/user/ADonkeyNamedLewis
So, if you want to watch me be awkward in front of a camera, here you go!
I will update again later, Inernet. Eventually.
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