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Thursday, November 3, 2011

I Fail at Everything and am Dirt

So, as the title says, that's at least how I feel. Realistically, I know this not to be 100% accurate. I only fail at some things, and am only dirt in certain situations.

Lately, things have been a bit crazy. Well, at least since the 31st, at least. Goth Christmas, Halloween, whatever you want to call it, that's when badness began. It SHOULD have been a magnificent day, and it was at the end. But the beginning.... not s'much.

For school, I have to do this thing called placement. It's essentially gaining experience in my field in a real life setting.

I don't want to do placement.

I have a good few reasons. I mean, this one is with children, and I hate children. And it's far, and well... I suppose the biggest reason would be that I have a lovely little thing called "performance anxiety". Which essentially means that if I have any amount of responsibility to anyone but myself, I freak out.

And begin to have feelings of inadequacy, intense fear, self-loathing, and overall just a sense of being generally hated for any small  mistake I make. 

I end up apologizing a lot more than I should, having panic attacks, sleepless nights, and racing thoughts.

My anxiety over this particular placement has been higher than basically ever before. And I technically haven't even started yet because I'm a fuck up. 
Because I've been so up in arms and anxious for the past few days, yesterday, my body just... gave up. And then I fell into depression.

Well, maybe depression is the wrong word. More like... emotional exhaustion. A lot of other crap has been happening too, and so combining that with my body just being too tired to be anxious any more, well... There yah go.

Of course, depression/exhaustion made me avoidant of important tasks, thus making me more anxious, and bringing about a terrible circle of doom.

So there's a little tidbit of what's been goin' on. I know I've been hella lazy lately with the updates, and for that, Internet, I apologize.

HOWEVER. I now keep a "vlog" as it were, highlighting my escapades through video. OooooOOOOooooh fancy AND original.

So, if you want to watch me be awkward in front of a camera, here you go!
I will update again later, Inernet. Eventually.

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